Editor’s note: This is a guest post by Eugene Yiga of Varsity Blah.

Mind, body, heart, and soul: These four elements make us who we are. In order to fully explore our potential we need to constantly nurture all aspects of our lives. It’s not just about being “well-rounded” or balanced; it’s about being anchored in what really matters. And with another year already upon us, now seems as good a time as any to start making some serious change.

The Mind

Everything begins in the mind. Every skyscraper, every painting, and every custom-made Italian suit were once ideas in someone’s head. Without these ideas, nothing would exist. Without new ideas, nothing will ever change.

The problem is that most people stifle new ideas without ever giving them a chance to flourish. One of the biggest things that held me back in life was my limiting belief about what was possible. I was always talking about how I couldn’t do this or how I couldn’t be that. Is it really surprising to see that what I believed actually came true?

We all need to start seeing the world from a different perspective. That comes from going out everyday and keeping our eyes open to all the possibilities. It comes from learning new and exciting things that force us to stretch our minds and move outside our comfort zones.

Put practically, there are a lot of ways to do that. Turning off the TV would be a good start. Pick up a book, a newspaper, or a magazine that doesn’t have yet another celebrity’s drinking problem on the cover. Go to a museum, a gallery, an exhibit, a film festival, a theatrical production, a classical concert, or a jazz concert. Take a dance class, a cooking class, or even an investment class. Do a crossword puzzle. Do a jigsaw puzzle. Learn a language, learn an instrument, or plan an exotic holiday just for fun. Phew! I’m sure you get the idea.

Recommended Reading:

• As a Man Thinketh by John Allen
• Thinking for a Change by John Maxwell
• Mind Power into the 21st Century by John Kehoe
• The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck

The Body

Healthy living has become increasingly popular recently. And that’s definitely a good thing. Regular exercise and a balanced diet leave us feeling (and looking) good. But not many people follow this advice.

What’s up with that? Why would anyone not want to invest in something they know will pay dividends a thousand times over? I guess it’s because most people simply have no reason. They think of all the hard work and sacrifice it takes and then simply give up in advance. That’s why it’s important to have a good reason in the first place. Why comes first; how comes second.

My reasons for living a healthy lifestyle are simple. I want to look as good on the outside as I feel on the inside. Keeping that in mind is the reason I’m able to exercise regularly, even on days I’d much rather stay cuddled up in bed. It’s also the reason I’m able to avoid all those tempting chocolate bars at the supermarket checkout, as much as is humanly possible!

Another aspect of taking care of my health has to do with stress management. There are three approaches I have as far as that goes. Firstly, I make a constant effort to become aware of my emotions. I do that by keeping a journal, which has become the perfect outlet for everything on my mind. Secondly, I make sure I’m well-rested. I do that by meditating every afternoon and by getting enough sleep at night.

But the best way I’ve found to deal with stress is to manage my time. Like I said in Work in Progress, it’s about taking care of the big things so the little ones take care of themselves and the really little ones don’t bother me at all. To do that, I ask three questions to decide whether or not to do anything.

Firstly: Does it have to be done at all? If it’s not really important, I don’t do it! Secondly: Does it have to be done by me? If someone else can do it instead, I let them! Thirdly: Does it have to be done today? If I can put it off until later, I do. (Of course this assumes it won’t be put off forever!) Ultimately, it’s about working on what matters, focusing on one thing at a time, and always remembering that life is not meant to be taken too seriously.

Recommended Reading:

• Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
• Heart of the Soul by Gary Zukav and Linda Francis
• Destructive Emotions by Daniel Goleman
• Self Matters by Phil McGraw
• How to Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie
• The Everything Stress Management Book by Eve Adamson

The Heart

This aspect is all about relationships. It’s impossible to go through life without interacting with other people on a regular basis. And it’s also impossible to ever feel completely fulfilled without strong relationships. You can be the smartest, sexiest, and richest person in the history of the world. But without people to share that with, none of it will matter.

The people we spend our time with have a powerful effect on us. They change us, whether we’d like to admit it or not. More specifically, they tend to make us more like they already are. Whiney people create more whiny people. Interesting people create more interesting people. That’s why it’s important to spend time with the right people and not the wrong ones.

Now I’m not talking about right and wrong in the way only a comic book could do justice to. I’m talking about what’s right for you. That’s something we all need to figure out. By knowing what qualities you want to develop in yourself, you can figure out whether the people in your life are keeping you on track towards achieving that or are dragging you off course altogether.

Personally, I look for three qualities. The first is vision. This is about being ambitious, living life based on some sort of direction, and having the discipline to go out and make things happen. The second is passion. This is about being outgoing, showing a spontaneous side every now and then, and always knowing how to have fun.

The third (and definitely most important) is integrity. That means living a principled life. It’s about being tolerant of other people, honest in your actions, and always an independent thinker. It’s about developing complete security in who you are and what you have to offer the world. It’s about living your own life instead of letting other people live it for you.

So, what do you do once you’ve found the right people? You hang onto them, is what! I’ve lost a few too many great relationships just because I got too busy with stuff that didn’t even matter. That’s why I now keep a list of all my contacts in plain sight so that I’m forced to look at it everyday. Nowadays, there really is no excuse. All it takes is a quick text. What are you waiting for?

Recommended Reading:

• The Everything Self-Esteem Book by Robert Sherfield
• Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
• Influence by Robert Cialdini
• How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
• Improve Your Communication Skills by Alan Barker
• The Quick and Easy Way to Effective Speaking by Dale Carnegie

The Soul

The fourth and final element of all people is the soul. This is what really matters. It’s about finding your purpose and then living it everyday. Many people seem to think their mission in life needs to be a spectacular quest to “save the world.” That’s not true. It doesn’t have to be huge; it just has to be something. And it has to be what’s right for you.

Life really becomes a whole new experience once you figure out what you were born to do. Getting up in the morning isn’t quite as difficult as it used to be. All those little things that used to drive you crazy don’t seem as annoying anymore. Everything becomes so much clearer and life definitely becomes a whole lot more enjoyable too.

So, how do you figure out what you are meant to do? A good place to start would be at the beginning. After looking at all the things I wanted to be when I was growing up, I noticed a pattern. All of them, from movie director to human rights lawyer, had to do with other people. I always loved being an entertainer. I loved using my sense of humor to cheer people up and ultimately make their lives a little better. That’s how I came to realize my mission in life is to uplift, inspire, and ultimately change the world.

I also realized that the only way I can bring about this change is through my own efforts. I need to live a life of integrity and passion. I need to live life at such a high level that those around me are inspired to do the same. It’s the reason I’m so committed to my health and my work. It’s the reason I wrote this book!

That basically means I go out everyday and spend my time doing things that add value to my life and the lives of other people. And there are tons of those. Every time I read a book, go running, or do a favor for a friend, I like to believe I make a small difference in the world. Silly as it may sound, I believe those things add value to my life and I believe that value gets passed on to everyone around me.

That’s my key to happiness. It’s just a case of living one day at a time and making sure every day counts. It’s about doing little things that have a huge impact. A smile here and a compliment there really go a long way! In the end you realize that happiness is a choice and that you might as well be happy because 99% of the time there’s no reason not to.

Recommended Reading:

• Life Strategies by Phil McGraw
• The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey
• The Eighth Habit by Stephen Covey
• Success Built to Last by Jerry Porras, Stewart Emery, and Mark Thompson

Conclusion
Well, that’s all I have to say about the mind, body, heart and soul. I hope I’ve given you some ideas you can apply in your own life. And I really hope you’ll take the initiative to make whatever changes you feel the need to. All the knowledge in the world means nothing unless it’s applied. If you’d like to learn a bit more about the things I’ve talked about, I highly suggest “Get the Edge” by Anthony Robbins. It is without a doubt the best thing that ever happened to me. It completely changed my life and I know it can do the same for you.

To read more from Eugene Yiga, check out his blog, Varsity Blah. To download your completely free copy of the South African or International edition of Work in Progress, right-click and save the relevant link.
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StevePavlina.com Personal Development for Smart People podcast #22: Loving Relationships

This is a podcast about loving, intimate relationships that Erin and I recorded together this afternoon. We discuss the inner workings of our (almost 15-year) relationship in depth and share insights, advice, and stories regarding the following topics:

• Meeting each other’s needs and desires (emotional, physical, spiritual, etc)
• Creating and maintaining a deep connection
• Common interests
• Areas of compatibility and incompatibility
• Monogamous relationships
• What is cheating?
• The ultimate goal of an intimate relationship
• Polyamory
• The 6 styles of open relationships
• Jealousy
• Compersion
• Coming out publicly as a polyamorous person/couple
• The big picture - why intimate relationships are so important for personal growth
• Raising the consciousness of your relationship
• The 3 qualities of strong, loving, intimate relationships
• Commitment - what it means to commit
• How to know whether you should break up or stay together

Our ultimate goal in creating this podcast is to help you enjoy more conscious, loving relationships in your own life.

Of course the “elephant in the room” that spawned this podcast is that Erin and I recently announced that we’re shifting from a monogamous to a polyamorous relationship style.

In this podcast we talk a lot about that decision, which wasn’t so much of a decision as it was a realization — and a major breakthrough in the way we’ve been relating to each other. We hope our love and caring for each other comes across in this recording.

We appreciate the care and concern everyone is expressing toward us. We understand that this announcement was probably a shock to most people. That was to be expected. We’ve been discussing this for quite some time, but you weren’t privy to those conversations, so it may seem like this is a snap decision that happened abruptly and that our relationship is in trouble.

The truth, however, is that because of this change, our relationship is actually stronger than ever.

In recording this podcast, we want to help you understand where we’re coming from and why we’re excited to explore polyamory. We think this will help prevent misunderstandings based on inaccurate assumptions. We also think it will be very eye-opening for you if you’re interested in learning more about polyamory or if you’re currently experiencing problems in your current monogamous relationship.

If you’re in a relationship right now, we encourage you to listen to this together with your partner, and feel free to pause and discuss the ideas that strike you as you go along. We expect this form of sharing could lead to some new breakthroughs in the way you relate to each other. Just be aware that we may challenge your pre-established notions about how your relationship is supposed to work and where it may be headed.

Erin and I explain in detail how we relate to each other and the mindset we use to maintain a very conscious, loving, intimate relationship. We also discuss problems we encountered as a couple and how we overcame them together.

When I began writing about polyamory a few days ago, there were lots of misunderstandings and misinterpretations of our motives. Many people assumed the worst. Part of the reason for those misunderstandings is that plain text is a weak medium for expressing such an emotional topic because you can’t hear our tone of voice. The words themselves don’t convey enough of the meaning we were trying to convey. We think this is one reason why our words are being interpreted in so many different ways… often not in the way they were intended. By using audio instead of text, we hope that misinterpretations will be greatly reduced.

Hopefully when you hear us communicating about this together, you’ll get a better sense of how Erin and I relate to each other and why we believe polyamory (i.e. an open relationship) is an awesome next step in our journey together.

A couple books are mentioned in this podcast: Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino and The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran. I highly recommend both of them.

This is our longest podcast ever (103 minutes long). It’s more like an audio program on relationships than a podcast. If you receive some genuine value from it, please consider making a donation to let us know you found it helpful.

Enjoy the podcast…

Pavlina-022-Loving-Relationships.mp3
(Time = 1:43:23, Size = 47.3MB)

Visit the audio section to play this podcast directly through your web browser and to view the entire podcast collection.

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© 2009 by Steve Pavlina.

Post written by Leo Babauta. Follow me on Twitter.

I was sitting here at my computer, pondering whether I wanted to write a post with tips about “making 2009 your best year ever”. It’s been done, and most of my tips you’ve already read before on Zen Habits.

I made a small list of things I’d recommend to anyone wanting to make 2009 their best year ever … coming up with a single life-changing goal, creating a mantra for that goal to keep them on track, simplifying their lives, making time for loved ones and themselves, learning to be in the moment … all of these are great tips, and I could come up with a dozen more that would really help people if they wanted to make positive changes.

But then I realized that there’s just one tip that’s needed. And it’s not a tip you’ll read in most personal development, productivity or self-help blogs or books.

That’s because if you implemented this one tip, you wouldn’t really need any others. It would put all of us out of business.

So, because I enjoy writing personal development posts and books for you guys, I’m counting on you to NOT actually implement this, and to keep needing other tips I give you in the future.

Kidding of course! Go ahead, put me and all the rest of ‘em out of business. I’d rather have you happy and successful, and look for another job, knowing that I did something good.

So what’s that single secret, the one thing that will not only make 2009 your best year ever, but put personal development and self-help bloggers and authors out of business?

Are you sure you’re ready to hear it?

OK, you’re ready. :) Here goes:

Stop waiting for happiness. Happiness is right here, right now.

Sounds too simple, but if you haven’t realized this, and put it into action, it can have an amazing effect on your life. Today. Right now.

My Life of Waiting

When I was young, I couldn’t wait to become an adult. Oh, the freedom! Becoming an adult would bring me happiness. I couldn’t wait.

When I became an adult, I couldn’t wait to get a good job. That would surely bring happiness. I couldn’t wait. When I got a good job, I couldn’t wait to get a raise. When I got a raise, I couldn’t wait to get married. When I got married, I couldn’t wait to buy a nicer car. Got the car, then I couldn’t wait to buy a house.

When I bought the house, I couldn’t wait to … get out of debt.

I could go on for quite awhile, but you get the point. None of my desires ever produced happiness, because I was stuck in the mindset of wanting more. When I got what I wanted, I wanted something else. My happiness was always on hold, because I was waiting to reach a goal.

Waiting for happiness.

On Goals and Desires

It’s good to have goals. I have them — it’s a part of living and working. But how much are you investing in your goals? How much of your happiness is based on your goals?

It’s also natural to have desires, but if your life is a series of desires, one after the other, and everything in you is in pursuit of those desires, you will always be striving for happiness, waiting for it.

Instead, remember: Stop waiting for happiness. Happiness is right here, right now.

Feel free to pursue goals, and desires … but don’t make your happiness dependent on them. Don’t think of happiness as something you’ll have once X happens (whatever X is right now for you).

Life is a Journey - Enjoy It!

So how do you go for goals and still have happiness right here, right now? By remembering that the important thing isn’t the destination … it’s the journey!

Remember that, always: the journey is the most important thing. Not the goal. Not the ending point.

Think about it: if you are only happy once you reach a goal, what about all the time you spend getting to the goal? That’s much more of your life than actually being at the goal. If you’re only happy when you’re at the destination, you’ll be unhappy most of the time.

What’s more, if you are stuck in that mindset, when you reach your destination, you won’t actually be happy — you’ll be looking toward your next destination.

Instead, remember: Stop waiting for happiness. Happiness is right here, right now.

How do you enjoy the journey? By appreciating life in its fullness, its wonderfulness. By not looking so much toward the future, but focusing on the present moment, right here, right now. By looking around you, and realizing that everything you need for happiness is already here!

Everything You Need for Happiness

What do you need to be happy? Do you need a fancy car and a mansion and millions of dollars? If you could have every single desire granted to you right now, would you be happy then?

Or can you be happy now, with what you have?

Can you look at the gorgeous sky, and realize what a miracle it is? Can you look at a sunset, a forest, a flower, a child, and realize the miracle of each of these things? You probably can, if you take the time to look at them fully.

And then you might realize that your eyes are a miracle, and that they allow you to see each of these other miracles. If you have your eyes, you have all you need for happiness.

What if you are blind? Can you taste chocolate, or strawberries, or cinnamon, or tears, and realize what a miracle those things are? Can you hear Mozart, or John Lennon, or Jack Johnson, and have your soul fill up with happiness? Then you already have all you need for happiness.

All you need is the present moment: spend time with a loved one, talk with a friend, watch a funny movie, go swimming in refreshing water, smell fresh baked bread, go for a walk or a run, curl up with a good book, cuddle on a rainy day, give and receive a hug.

It’s true — this is the only thing you need to know: Stop waiting for happiness. Happiness is right here, right now.

But … What About My Goals?

Should you give up your goals for 2009, now that you’ve decided to be happy now? Nah. Go ahead and pursue those goals, but remember to enjoy the journey. Consider:

• Losing weight. Will you only be happy after you’ve lost weight and are slim and trim? When you have the perfect body? Screw that! Make it an enjoyable journey — exercise can be a lot of fun! Eating clean, healthy food can also be incredible, once you learn to enjoy it! Enjoy the journey to health and the great body will only be a side benefit.
• Getting productive. Do you have a desire to crank through your to-do list, stop procrastinating, and knock down your projects, one after the other? Well, that’s good, but realize that your to-do list will never ever be completed, nor will your project list. They’re never ending, and in fact they’re supposed to be that way. So you’ll never reach a destination here — all you have is the journey! Learn to enjoy your work - every minute of it — and productivity will come naturally.
• Learning a new skill. Whether you want to learn French, or to play the trombone, or to master Jeet Kune Do, will you only be happy once you’ve learned the skill? No! Learn to love the learning process! It’s an exploration not only of new territory, but of yourself. It’s wonderful.
• Simplifying. Do you want to get rid of clutter? Will you be happy only when you’ve gotten rid of all excess things? No! Enjoy the process of decluttering — it’s one of my favorite pasttimes! :) Imagine that I’m there next to you, enjoining you to “TOSS IT!” with a wildly cheerful voice.
• Writing a book. Do you want to write the Great American Novel? Don’t wait until you’re done to enjoy the book … love each moment you can spend writing. It’s a miracle.

What are you waiting for before you become happy? Can you find happiness right now, in this moment? Let us know in the comments!
—
Elsewhere:

• Why Less is More: Interview with Leo Babauta of Zen Habits.
• The Power of Less: An Interview with Leo Babauta

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Article by Zen Habits contributor Jonathan Mead; follow him on twitter.

I have a secret.

But I’m not sure if I should tell you.

I mean, it pretty much lets me do whatever I want. I can overcome towering odds. I can keep going when all I feel like doing is throwing in the towel. I can defeat the most terrifying of fears.

I bet it could do the same for you… if only you knew what it was.

Actually… it’s kind of embarrassing. It’s about my underwear.

When I wear red underwear, I can do anything.

Seems a little silly, doesn’t it? I mean, what’s so special about red underwear? (No, I’m not talking about the lacy risque kind, just regular briefs. Promise.)

I honestly don’t know what it is. Something about them just makes me feel almighty. It’s like nothing can get in my way and nothing can stop my superhuman powers.

So, what does this have to do with you? Why should you keep reading for any reason other than the lure of underwear?

Because there’s a little thing called NLP going on here, or — big word coming — neuro-linguistic programming. (For more info on NLP check out Tim’s blog here). It’s basically taking an object, a symbol, a gesture, or a movement and turning it into a trigger. It’s programming yourself to react or feel a certain way when an event is triggered. It’s part power of suggestion, part power of intention. And it works.

Although I didn’t intend to do this with my red underpants, it’s still the same thing happening. An event, the wearing of my superhuman briefs, causes an emotional response in my mind and body. In this case, the feeling of being unstoppable.

You’ve probably felt this way before with a lucky hat or a piece of jewelry that means a lot to you. Or it could be something like a batter hitting the ground 3 times before he goes to swing. Whatever it is, there’s some serious awesomeness going on there.

The key is to take that unintentional programming and apply it intentionally. Instead of letting things trigger emotional responses within you on accident, it makes more sense to do it on purpose, right?

Leo says that effectively changing your habits requires a trigger to help you remember to take action. In the same way, you can use triggers in your routine to help you create certain emotional states. Ideally, the key is to be able to set off triggers anywhere, so you’re not dependent on something else (like listening to a song, or watching a scene from a movie). Although those can be secondary options, too.

Here are a few ideas to get you started:

• If you want to help yourself get in a creative state, you can setup an environmental trigger. Maybe that means sitting in a certain chair (putting on your thinking cap, as it were). Or it could be triggered by a change in your breathing (slower or more rapid breathing).
• To get excited about exercise, you might setup a trigger by moving a certain way or doing a visualization. You could make your trigger swinging your arms back and forth and visualize yourself in front of mirror with your ideal body. Use something that gets you pumped up. MMA fighters and boxers do this all the time by slapping their chests or face. Not recommended, but you get the idea.
• In order to put yourself in a state of confidence, you could create triggers in your posture. Sitting straight and stretching my arms above my head always makes me feel more confident.
• To trigger yourself into a state of focus, you can touch your eyes or massage your temples.
• Putting your hand on your heart is a great idea for cultivating an open mind and preparing yourself to really listen to someone.

These are just a few ideas; you can make up your own triggers. They can also be environmental, like engineering the attentional feng shui of your room. Take a look at your space and see what kind of triggers it sets off in you. Are they reinforcing your passions and your goals?

What this really comes down to is unleashing your inner superhero alter ego. Maybe you can’t keep going, but your superhero alter ego can.

Maybe you can’t write those 5 pages of your book you committed to, after you worked 9 hours, made dinner, and put the kids to bed. But your superhero alter ego can. Use the power of NLP to setup triggers to unleash your inner awesomeness.

Just try it. You never know… maybe your underwear is magical, too.

PS: Can you afford to let another year slip away without following your dreams? My upcoming ebook, Reclaim Your Dreams - A Step By Step Guide to Making Your Dreams a Reality, will be launching on January 13th to help you on your path. For exclusive tips on fast-tracking making your dreams a reality and a special, exclusive discount on my book for Zen Habits readers go here to get on the list.

This article was written by Zen Habits contributor Jonathan Mead of Illuminated Mind. To learn more about how to reclaim your life, grab a subscription to Illuminated MInd
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Harvey Milk (left); Sean Penn playing Harvey Milk (right)

Last week, I saw both the 1984 documentary The Times of Harvey Milk, directed by Rob Epstein, and the recently released fiction film Milk, directed by Gus van Sant. Both tell the story of the rise to prominence and assassination of the first openly gay man to be elected to public office in the U.S. Milk was elected San Francisco supervisor in 1977 but then gunned down along with Mayor George Moscone by a bitter rival. Comparing the two films is a fascinating exercise, as they cover pretty much the same territory and the documentary clearly inspired the fictional treatment. I am sure many students will be doing just that for their term papers. To me, the Oscar-winning documentary is worthy and competently made, definitely worth seeing (now available from Amazon) but more interesting as a historical record than as a piece of filmmaking: it’s pretty traditional and sometimes a bit plodding. But the fictional Milk is a true cinematic accomplishment, one of van Sant’s best films, which is saying a lot. It brilliantly establishes the homophobic context of the times, and the many struggles for gay rights not just in San Francisco but across the U.S. While many scenes are inspired by the documentary, other dimensions are added, particularly involving the assassin-to-be Dan White (Josh Brolin) and his relationship with Milk - played by Sean Penn in one of his best performances. Somewhat ironically I find that the fictional film is the greater inspiration for a documentary filmmaker, from the standpoint of dramatic structure, character development and contextualization. As you can tell, I recommend both of these films. Milk is still in theatres, and will surely be up for some Oscars. Epstein collaborated with van Sant on the treatment for Milk. For an interview with him rest here.

“Perhaps our greatest acts of violence are reserved not for those experiences that are most foreign to us but for the ones that are closest to the truth about ourselves.” - Jonathan Mooney

In this article I’ll candidly share my thoughts about polyamory, monogamy, marriage, and about intimate relationships in general.

Hurt

One issue that seems to be a hang-up for a lot of people is the possibility of getting hurt. Monogamous relationships can lead to plenty of hurt when they go bad, and it seems reasonable to assume that polyamory could multiply this hurt even more, if only because more hearts are involved.

One reason people fear getting hurt is that they’ve had some bad experiences in the past and haven’t fully recovered yet. Another problem is that people have an undue fear of hurting others because they’ve caused some pain in the past, and they’re still harboring a lot of guilt and regret.

What does it take to let go of that fear and pain and to summon the courage to take new risks in your relationships, in the hopes of experiencing ever greater levels of joy?

Basically, you just have to get back in the arena and do the best you can… without worrying so much about getting hurt. Over time your calibration will improve. You’ll get better at avoiding broken hearts, and you’ll learn to create joy more consistently. Unfortunately, you have to move through the hurt phase to get to the joy phase.

If you live your life so as to minimize your potential hurt, you’ll endure a very dull, dreary, and cowardly existence. This is how drug addicts aim to live. Of course the pain always gets its say further down the road.

Anyone who wants to live consciously must accept that getting battered and bruised is part of the game of life. It happens.

When you get hurt, the best response is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, tend to your bruises, consider what you’ve learned, and get back in the game with even more resolve than you had when you were knocked down.

Wounds heal. This includes the wounds you inflict as well as those that are inflicted upon you.

Life has knocked me down quite a few times. I’ve been arrested and convicted. I went bankrupt trying to build my first business. I was kicked out of my apartment because I couldn’t pay the rent. People criticize me publicly every week, especially this week. Hmmm… wonder why…

Does it hurt when stuff like this happens? Sure it does. I’m not invulnerable.

I know that life will keep knocking me down again and again. And each time I’ll get up, dust myself off, and tend to my wounds. Then I’ll say in my snarkiest tone, “Nice try, Life. Is that the best you can do?”

I don’t want to reach my grave in pristine “like new” condition. I won’t die with my music still in me. When the coroner checks my dead body, I want him to say, “Damn… what the hell did he do to this thing?”

Don’t try to grow a big callous around your heart to protect yourself from getting hurt. Don’t try to shield yourself from emotional pain. That will only make you cold and callous yourself. If you disconnect from your heart, you disconnect from everything. You’ll rob your life of all its delicious flavor.

Instead, take the hurt as it comes, and fully accept it. Listen to what the hurt is telling you, learn from it, and grow through it. See the hurt as a gift instead of a punishment. Tune into the joy behind the sadness.

The message of hurt is this: Despite what’s happened, can you still respond with love?

Even when you’re faced with negative emotions, can you see beyond them and consciously choose to respond with love instead of reacting with fear?

Can you see how helpful this process is in the long run? The more you get hurt, the more you develop your ability to choose love.

If you look at some of the most loving souls on earth, their pasts are often riddled with the most wicked abuse and suffering you can imagine. Knock them down, and they keep coming back with more love. Do you sense the power of this way of living?

I understand that not everyone has this attitude. What can I say? Is it really helpful to wallow in self-pity or guilt? Isn’t it better to accept the hurt as it comes, process it, let it go, and then move on?

The human heart has a great capacity to heal. If you get hurt, you’ll recover. If you hurt others, they’ll recover too. If you consciously work on your healing, you’ll heal a lot faster than if you merely subscribe to the mantra, Time heals all wounds.

Does this mean you should go around hurting people intentionally because, what the heck, they’ll heal? No, it just means that you shouldn’t fear it. It’s better to experience (or cause) one real broken heart than to fear a thousand imaginary ones.

I know that by exploring polyamory, there’s a good chance that someone I’m involved with will feel hurt at some point. Maybe me. Maybe Erin. Maybe others. Maybe all of us.

If I want to fully embrace the game of life, there’s no getting around that. It’s a risk.

But I can’t live my life cowering under the covers like Shaggy and Scooby. I’m gonna be kick-ass Fred.

You just know Fred was all over Daphne and Velma in the back of the Mystery Machine.

Hmmm… I wonder if Mystery has a Mystery Machine.

Monogamy

I have nothing against monogamy in general. I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for almost 15 years. Those years have involved an awesome amount of growth and joy.

If you’re monogamous and happy about it, that’s terrific. If I thought monogamy sucked, I wouldn’t have stuck with it for so long.

At this particular time in my life, I feel ready to move on from monogamy though. I can see that it would be the wrong path for me in the years ahead.

Some people have asked if I’m bored with my current relationship situation. That’s an overly simplistic way of looking at it, but overall that’s reasonably accurate.

Some people suggested the general prescription of spicing things up a bit and staying monogamous. The spice isn’t the problem though. The issue is what’s beneath the spice.

I’ve gone through enough life lessons to know when it’s time to spice up my life by adding/changing projects and activities vs. doing a complete overhaul. In this case, it’s clear that it’s time for a complete overhaul of my approach to intimate relationships.

Dropping monogamy is going to be a pretty radical change for me, much like when I switched careers from game development to personal development. This is going to impact every part of my life in a big way, as well as the lives of Erin and my kids. It’s going to be a lot of work to navigate this transition. I have no delusions that this will be an easy change.

Marriage

Marriage and monogamy are two different concepts, so let’s be careful not to confuse them.

In contrast to monogamy, I think marriage is an unnecessary legal institution that does more harm than good.

I got married to Erin when I was 26 years old. We met when I was 22. If I had it to do all over again, knowing what I now know, I wouldn’t have gotten married.

What can I say? I goofed. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Of course, the year after I got married, I also went bankrupt, so perhaps those weren’t my best decision-making years.

I very much like the notion of long-term, committed relationships. I think long-term relationships are wonderful. I just think marriage is a poor vehicle for expressing them.

Marriage might be an okay vehicle for some people. I certainly know some pretty conscious married people. However, in the long run, it’s very easy for marriage to become a consciousness-lowering bugaboo. Of the very conscious people I know who are married, I think their growth would likely accelerate if they stopped being married, myself included.

The failure rate for marriages is pretty high. In the USA most marriages end in divorce, and of those that don’t, probably most of those couples would be happier in the long run if they did get divorced. History also demonstrates that as divorce becomes easier and more accessible, more people are willing to end their marriages. So the overall track record of marriage, at least in modern times, isn’t particularly good.

The institution of marriage is simply too far out of sync with the realities of human relationships.

That being said, I’m actually glad I got married. Huh? The reason I say that is that being married for so long (almost 11 years) has helped me understand and relate to other people who are married. I rather like that I can share my thoughts about marriage as an insider. There’s just no way I could understand the realities of marriage if I hadn’t experienced it firsthand. Obviously with only one marriage under my belt, I may not be the world’s greatest expert on the subject, but it’s a lot better than having zero experience.

You probably don’t want to know how many married people emailed me in the past couple days to say, “I’ve been married X years, and I can totally relate to all the things you’re saying with respect to polyamory. I’ve had many of those same feelings myself, and I applaud you for being so open and honest about it. I just don’t think my partner would ever understand if I tried to discuss this with him/her. Please keep writing about this — it helps me a lot to know I’m not alone in having these feelings.” Suffice it to say there was a lot of feedback.

It might interest you to know that this feedback came from men and women about equally — if we compensate for the demographic split of my readership (which is about 65% male).

The problem with marriage is that it pushes relationships into the realm of law, and that’s a huge no-no because that runs contrary to conscious choice. Just to be clear, I’m referring to legal law here, not divine law. Coupled with societal pressure, marriage applies an inappropriate form of force to relationships.

To our credit, Erin and I discussed this problem to some degree before we got married. In our wedding vows, we actually declined to include the phrase “till death do us part.” It seemed unreasonable to commit in advance to being married for a lifetime, especially since we were both going through lots of growth and change.

Erin once told me that Wiccans use the phrase “as long as our love shall last.” We didn’t use that phrasing ourselves, but I think we used something similar. The idea was that the status of our marriage should be subservient to the status of our relationship, not the other way around.

My long-term relationship with Erin has been wonderful. I still want it to continue.

My marriage to Erin, however, has had its share of issues. I’ve often felt trapped and constricted by the legal and societal ramifications of marriage. People relate to you differently when you get married. That can get a bit wearing after a while. Sometimes it feels like marriage is some sort of disease. Once you’ve been infected by it, you’re expected to cocoon yourself in a special part of society with other married people. You gain some things, but you also lose freedoms. This runs contrary to conscious living, which requires the freedom to make conscious choices.

My experience has been that marriage closes more doors than it opens. Your experience may vary, and that’s perfectly fine. I’m just sharing my own experience. I’m sure I’m not the only married person who feels this way.

I stopped wearing my wedding ring a long time ago. Occasionally I’ll wear it as a piece of jewelry, but the ring’s symbolic meaning is something I no longer connect with. I see it as a symbol of attachment and restriction, not a symbol of conscious living. In my opinion, wearing a wedding ring as a symbol that I’m attached to one and only one person runs contrary to the principle of Oneness.

In lieu of a wedding ring, I’d prefer to wear a ring that says I’m connected to all of humanity… or to life itself. But presently I don’t find it necessary to wear a symbol for something I feel intuitively. Maybe later…

Marriage has a very possessive aspect to it. My wife. My husband. It’s like you become someone’s custodial property. You are “spoken for” and “attached.” Does that mean no one else can connect to you in the same way? If you’re attached, does that mean you can’t enjoy new intimate connections?

In practice marriage serves as more of a barrier to intimacy than an enabler of intimacy.

If you find my views on marriage offensive in some way, I understand that. There’s no need to defend yourself though because I’m not attacking you. Just spend some time thinking about this, and get in touch with your true feelings about it. If you find the legal institution of marriage an attractive choice, then by all means get married if that’s what you want. Just don’t go dark and take the relationship behind the marriage for granted.

Again, I think long-term committed relationships are great. But the current legal and societal institution of marriage is a poor vehicle for conscious, committed relationships.

I think it’s rather appropriate that Las Vegas is filled with wedding chapels. Much like gambling, marriage can be quite a seductive vice.

Family and kids

Some people clearly have something in their craw about how polyamory might affect my kids. It’s weird to see people get all worked up about all the potential damage that will be done… especially when they’ve never met Erin, myself, or our kids.

This is an area where people are clearly projecting their own personal issues onto us.

Most of the negative feedback in this area is so far out of sync with reality, I can’t even relate to it. There’s just no shred of truth to grasp because such feedback has nothing to do with us whatsoever. The best response I can offer these fear-mongers is a eye roll. Maybe for good measure, I can add, “Oh, please. Get real.”

Overall I expect that this change will be very positive for my kids.

Emily and Kyle are both very social and love meeting new people. Whenever we have house guests, my kids love interacting with them.

Emily likes to ask new people, “Are you vegan?” She’s our resident vegan cop. Just say yes no matter what, and you’ll be fine.

My son Kyle loves to say to people, “Come play Halo with me, so I can kick your butt!” He’s quite a trash talker when he plays, which is pretty funny to see from a five year-old.

Past experience tells me that my kids love it when interesting, open-minded people are brought into our lives. It just means more people for them to socialize with. The extra stimulation is good for them.

If you think this is a bad idea, raise your kids differently. But it’s foolish to assume this will somehow damage my children if you’ve never spent as much as a minute with them. You’re just grasping at straws if you think that.

If you actually met my kids and got to know them, you’d have a hard time making the case that this lifestyle choice will somehow harm them.

Do you have a clue what it’s like to have a personal development expert and a psychic medium as your parents? My daughter actually goes around telling her classmates, “My Daddy is the smartest man on earth, and my Mommy talks to dead people.” Emily assumes that since I run a website and wrote a book “for Smart People” that I must be the smartest guy in the world.

When I pick up my kids from school, sometimes little girls run up to me and ask, “Emily says you’re the smartest man on earth. If that’s really true, then what’s 100 times 100?”

At least my math degree is good for something.

Keep in mind that my kids share much of my DNA. First, that alone should scare you. Secondly, if you try to convince them they’re going to be damaged by my choices, they’ll just laugh at you. Then my son will proceed to kick your butt at Halo, after which he’ll give you a very loving hug to cheer you up.

Polyamory

What draws me to polyamory is that it aligns very well with the 7 universal growth principles in my book. This means that pursuing polyamory is likely to be a major positive growth experience for me. If I don’t pursue it, I’d be turning my back on my own path of conscious growth.

Let’s consider each principle briefly… my version of briefly, that is.

Truth - Polyamory can be practiced with total openness and honesty and no deception. It’s been practiced for millennia. It’s a natural part of our heritage as human beings. To turn our backs on it and demonize it is nonsensical. That’s our social conditioning talking, not authentic truth. Without polyamory you probably wouldn’t even be here.

Love - Polyamory means many loves. Creating and maintaining authentic, loving connections is its very core. Polyamory resonates with me emotionally and spiritually. It’s something I’d love to experience, and it can be a wonderful thing to share with others who are willing to do so. So it gets a big checkmark from this principle.

Power - Will polyamory be empowering? It will be a major growth experience to learn about it and practice it, so regardless of what degree of success I enjoy, it will empower me to grow. It will also require me to further develop my self-discipline, my communication skills, and more. This is a path that will surely build strength, not one that will feed weakness.

Oneness (Love + Truth) - Polyamory is more aligned with Oneness than monogamy. Monogamy is exclusive, while polyamory is inclusive. Connections that would otherwise be blocked can be accepted. Polyfidelity (being in a closed polyamorous relationship) is less inclusive, but it’s still more inclusive than monogamy.

Authority (Truth + Power) - Since polyamory is experiential, it aligns wonderfully with the principle of Authority. It involves consciously authoring new relationships. My personal authority in the area of relationships will expand much more on a polyamorous path than it would in a single monogamous relationship, if only due to the greater experiential abundance. By writing about my experiences, I can share the lessons learned, which will benefit thousands of others too. This is all very good.

Courage (Love + Power) - Is this the courageous path or the cowardly path? It should be pretty obvious that going polyamorous, and especially writing about it along the way, takes Courage. In my case I need a lot more Courage to go polyamorous than I’d need to stay monogamous. This is definitely a path with a heart. You may find that monogamy requires more Courage for you personally, and that’s fine. In my case monogamy would be the more timid route since that would merely require a continuation of the status quo. Polyamory is the level 30 beast that intimidates my level 20 character.

Intelligence (Truth + Love + Power) - Is polyamory an intelligent choice? Yes, if the path is followed truthfully, lovingly, and powerfully, it can produce positive growth for everyone involved. Going polyamorous entails developing a whole new outlet for authentic self-expression. When it works, it has the potential to become a thing of beauty. Also, by writing about it, I can potentially boost the relationship intelligence of many, many people.

One of the main reasons I’m choosing to pursue polyamory is that relative to monogamy, this path will increase my alignment with all 7 of these principles. This means I’ll grow a lot faster if I go polyamorous as opposed to remaining monogamous. It also means I’ll be able to share a lot more growth and learning with others along the way. If you’ve been reading my work for a while, I’m sure you’d agree that this change is going to inspire a lot more sharing of knowledge vs. what I’d be able to share if I maintained the status quo.

I wasn’t just blowing smoke when I wrote a book about these universal principles. I really do live my life this way. My primary aim is to become as truthful, loving, and strong in character as I can (i.e. aligned with Truth, Love, and Power)… and to share what I learn as my legacy to humanity. We’ll see how far I can get before I’m assassinated.

As I noted in my book, it’s not remotely easy to keep shifting into ever-greater alignment with these principles. But who needs easy when you can have growth instead?

Sex

Is polyamory just about the sex? For some people, sexual variety can be the primary attraction to polyamory. Overall though, this is a very immature view of intimate relationships.

Many people in the seduction community enter a polyamorous frame whereby their primary interest seems to be “sowing the wild oats.” Personally I see nothing wrong with this if it’s something you genuinely want to experience. This isn’t what polyamory is about though.

Putting your genitals first is a phase that people eventually grow out of. Sure, it can be fun to enjoy some sexual abundance for a time, but after you’ve shagged everything in sight, that superficial level of intimacy grows stale, and you’re left feeling a bit empty, wanting something more.

This pursuit leads many people back to the frame of a steady, monogamous relationship. They realize they want a deeper connection that goes beyond just having lots of sex. Even when sex is really good, by itself it can’t fulfill all your emotional needs.

Many people are really uptight about sex. Sexuality can expose a lot of self-esteem deficiencies, especially body image issues. If you aren’t ready to face those inner demons, it’s easy to blame sexuality itself. This pushes you into a fear state and leads you to adopt a control strategy as a coping mechanism. You relate to sex as something that must be controlled instead of something you can experience freely. I believe the technical term for this is being anal retentive.

I love sex. Nothing beats a good shag. But would I want to center my whole life around meeting Titan’s needs? (In case you didn’t know, every guy names his schmecky.) No… elevating sex as my highest need would be a huge step backwards. It would be dropping all the way back to eating cooked animal flesh, something I haven’t done since 1993.

I think it’s great that we have sexual desires. Our sexuality is a signal to connect with each other. Those undeniable urges push us to go outside and talk to people, sometimes to mate with them. Initially we may be drawn to do this purely for release… to satisfy this biological need. But then we move past that state and say, “Hey, connecting with people is pretty cool. I should do this more often.”

Your fear may encourage you to stay home and cocoon yourself in a comfy, cozy lair of security, but suddenly Agamemnon yanks you out the door (Persephone if you’re female). Of course you can stay home and take care of yourself, but that isn’t nearly as fun, and if that’s all you do, you’ll probably end up feeling very disconnected. I know it sucks to hear this, but you’re going to have to develop your Courage — with a capital C — if you want to get off your butt and connect with real people, sexually or otherwise.

Although social conditioning may encourage us to believe that men are more sexual than women, the truth is that women enjoy sex at least as much as men do.

It’s unfortunate that a man who gets a lot of sex is lauded as a stud, while a woman who does the same is shunned as a slut. That sort of social conditioning is really lame — it’s totally out of alignment with Truth and Love.

Personally I think of a woman who’s open with her sexuality as a studette. I have a lot of respect for women who don’t feel the need to hide their sexuality. It takes a lot of courage to go against the social grain and deal with the consequences. Believe me… I know.

It doesn’t surprise me that a few people have asserted that I’m interested in polyamory because I just want to go out and sleep with lots of women, consequences be damned. Much like the issue with raising kids I mentioned earlier, this is a pretty clear instance of projection. No one who says such things has even met me. If they spent as much as an hour with me one-on-one, they’d realize how far such statements are from reality.

People who know me personally would find this a ridiculously immature lens through which to view my decision. I recommend that the people who think this way should go back to my very first article (The Courage to Live Consciously) and start over from scratch, since obviously the message about living consciously hasn’t gotten through to them yet. Go back and chew on 2004 for a while. I’ll still be here when you’re caught up.

Physical intimacy

We all possess many channels through which we can give and receive love. Some may be highly developed, while others may be under-developed. Our strengths and weaknesses depend on where we’ve focused our self-development efforts over the years.

Physical intimacy is one of those expressive channels available to us, quite a powerful one in fact.

I’ve spent a lot of time developing my communication skills, so I know how to give and receive love through writing and speaking. I can also express love through one-on-one conversation.

Some of my friends are entertainers. They can give and receive love by making people laugh and feel good about themselves.

A chef can express love by preparing delicious meals for people to enjoy.

Every medium has a different range of expression. For example, the medium of writing can’t adequately convey tone of voice. Many times when I write something in a tongue-in-cheek manner, people who aren’t familiar with my personality will read way too much into it, interpreting my words in ways I never intended. Writing has some nice advantages like accessibility and searchability, but I can’t express the full range of my personality through writing alone.

Even my dietary choices serve as a channel for expressing love. By choosing to eat low on the food chain, I reduce the harm I inflict. I don’t torture and kill animals, and I also minimize harm to plants by (1) eating lots of fruit, which doesn’t harm the plants, and (2) eating plants directly instead of eating plant-fed animals, which would harm many more plants. Also, by sharing my choices with others, I encourage them to see if this is something they’d like to pursue as well.

Just as I developed various other outlets for giving and receiving love, I want to further develop my physical and emotional intimacy channels. Why? Because I think that working on this area of my life will help me become a more consciously loving person. Polyamory seems like an ideal way to push myself forward in these areas.

I’ve gotten really good at connecting with people en masse. I know how to write articles that help large numbers of people worldwide. Having this ability entails a great deal of responsibility, so I want to keep improving.

I want to learn how to connect with people ever more deeply, and I can’t develop that skill through one-to-many media like writing and speaking alone. Instead I need to explore a deeper level of one-on-one interaction, not just with one person but with many different people. With a single person, my calibration will always be limited. I need to connect with different people in different ways in order to more deeply understand the core “soul” of human beings.

I think polyamory is an excellent way to accomplish this. There are other steps I can take too, like doing one-on-one coaching work, and I plan to start doing that too this year. However, the depth that coaching can reach isn’t anywhere near what can be gained by exploring intimate relationships that are both physical and emotional.

Of course there are plenty of other ways we can give and receive love. Polyamory is just one of many possible paths. At this time it’s the path I feel most drawn to explore.

If you feel there are better ways to give and receive love than what I’m doing, by all means, go pursue those avenues. I’m delighted with the path I’m on, but it may not be suitable for you. You’ll need to find your own way.

Selfishness

Is polyamory a selfish choice? I think those who frame it like that are coming from a place of wrestling with their own selfishness.

I feel inspired by my current level of giving, and I want to expand upon that. This is a journey that I believe will be wonderful to share… on multiple levels.

Developing this part of myself and sharing my journey openly with others is such a beautiful blend of giving and receiving.

If I wanted to be selfish, I’d keep all of my discoveries and realizations to myself, so I’d have a competitive advantage over others. But that would pull me out of alignment with Oneness, so it makes no sense to go that route.

To label this journey a selfish one is simply ignorant. I suspect those who label it this way are having issues coming to terms with their own desire for greater physical intimacy. Consequently, they attack me because I’m a symbol that reminds them of their inner discontent.

Realize that intimacy isn’t selfish if you’re sharing value with your partner. Thoughts of selfishness only arise if you’re coming at this from a frame of low self-esteem, whereby you’re assume that you’re taking something from other people and offering no value in return.

Instead, try coming at this from the frame that you are a worthy person, and anyone who gets to enjoy a relationship with you is very fortunate indeed. You don’t have to be arrogant and showy about it. Just stop acting like you have nothing of value to share. You have many gifts to give. Simply giving someone your full attention is a tremendous gift. Fully accepting someone as they are is another gift.

The most selfish thing you can do is to withdraw from others and keep all your tremendous value to yourself. Connecting with others is your gift to share, so get out there and share it!

Relationships with women

It will take me a while to figure out what types of relationships with women I want to cultivate. I can’t even classify all the possibilities because there are too many to consider.

One of the roles that comes up for me a lot is that of being a teacher. I enjoy this pattern overall, but in an intimate relationship, it needs to be balanced, with both people serving as teachers and students for each other. Otherwise it can too easily degrade into an unbalanced rescuer-victim pattern.

Overall the co-teaching pattern is a very positive one that helps both people grow. I enjoy many friendships that follow this pattern, whereby my friends and I mentor each other in different ways.

I’ve fallen into the rescuer pattern a few times during the past year, not in physically intimate relationships but in friendships. In the end it just ends up biting me. It’s hard for me not to want to help people in need, but if I do this from a rescuer frame, it disempowers the person I’m helping and delays their growth lessons. So I know I need to be careful to avoid falling into this trap.

Overall the general relationship pattern I enjoy most is one of shared mutual growth. This includes teaching each other things as well as sharing new growth experiences together. This is one of the patterns that my relationship with Erin follows when we’re at our best.

For example, I’d love to connect with a woman who really likes to travel. Erin enjoys traveling to an extent, but whereas I prefer going to places I’ve never been before, Erin likes returning to places she knows she likes. She seems to have more of a nesting instinct than I do. We talked about taking a weekend trip later this month. Erin wants to return to San Francisco (we were last there about 3 years ago), whereas I’d prefer to go somewhere I’ve never been to like Seattle.

This is an area where polyamory could be a big improvement. My travel resiliency is much greater than Erin’s, so I could meet her needs as a travel companion and still have plenty of wanderlust to share with someone else. Obviously I always have the option of traveling alone or with friends, but part of what I love about traveling is the chance to enjoy new experiences with an intimate companion. I really want to get out and see more of the world, but I wouldn’t want to do that solo for long, and there are certain types of trips where Erin would wear out long before I would. I enjoy lots of go-see-do as opposed to relaxing trips where you might sit by the pool reading a book.

Initially I’ll just have to stay open-minded and experiment. At this point I really can’t predict what kind of ongoing relationship situation will result from this pursuit. My best bet is probably to connect with a woman who’s open to having some fun, new experiences and who isn’t afraid to stretch herself.

Relationships with men

Several people asked me about having deeper relationships with men. What does this mean to me, and how would I incorporate deeper male relationships into my life?

Just to clarify in case you didn’t know, I’m 100% straight. I can’t recall any time in my life where I seriously harbored any gay or bisexual thoughts. I have no qualms with people who are gay or bisexual. This just isn’t something I have an interest in experiencing personally. I have a lot of respect for people who follow such alternative lifestyles because they have so many delicious growth challenges/opportunities. I don’t have too many gay friends, so my knowledge in this area is very limited. Consequently, I don’t have much to say about this because I have no personal experience to go on.

With respect to physical intimacy, I’m only interested in connecting with women. That’s simply where my heart leads. I feel a strong physical attraction toward certain women but not to men. I can appreciate the male body as a creation of beauty, but I wouldn’t want to find one lying naked next to me.

Nevertheless, I can still enjoy a strong emotional intimacy with another man. Due to the nature of my work, many men have shared some pretty intimate stuff with me over the years. The intimacy I feel toward other men is different than what I experience with women though.

In some ways the intimacy I share with men doesn’t go as deep as what I experience with women. There’s something about the male-female connection when physical attraction is part of the equation that helps create a deeper bond. This is something I really want to explore more fully… hence my decision to pursue polyamory.

On another level, I’m actually able to enjoy deeper emotional intimacy with men. There’s a certain “guy code” that men have with each other that very few women seem to grasp. Our gender has its own shared culture that is quite amazing. I revealed some of this when I wrote the article How to Be a Man. I’m sure a lot of these gender differences are socially conditioned, but that doesn’t make them any less real as part of the experience of growing up male.

There are certain things that men simply don’t have to explain to each other which makes man-to-man communication pretty straightforward, but which would normally require a lot of explanation to get a woman to understand (and the attempt will often be unsuccessful).

A few years ago, Erin was playing on online role-playing game, and she started playing a male character. She joined an all-male team, and she noticed that the other guys would totally change their communication style as soon as a female character joined the group. Once the female left and it was presumably all guys again, the guys changed back. Erin found this fascinating.

Not all guys change their communication styles like this, but it’s definitely very common.

A good example of guy code would be the sort of stuff that’s shared in the seduction (or pick-up artist) community. This is a gross generalization to be sure, so please forgive it for being so, but there are certain things shared in that community which can serve as very empowering growth lessons for men… but which a woman would often find offensive, untrue, or preposterous. Deep down, however, men simply want to learn how to get better at connecting with women.

What you may not realize is that the most effective advice on how to connect with women almost invariably comes from men, not from women themselves. It’s fairly well-established in the seduction community that if you ask a woman what women find most attractive, you’re very likely to receive honest, heartfelt advice that sounds reasonable but which utterly backfires when you try to apply it. The extraordinary truth is that a man who’s very good with women actually understands women significantly better than most women do. I suspect that statement also holds true if you reverse all the gender words.

As it turns out, connecting with men and with women are two sides of the same coin. Some of my deepest connections with other men arise when we’re discussing women. Women absolutely fascinate us guys, and we spend a lot of time and energy trying to figure you out.

Unfortunately, the social conditioning that men and women receive tends to make us really bad at connecting with each other. We get so skewed in our beliefs about each other that when we’re told the truth about how to connect, point blank, we dismiss it as, “No, that can’t be right.”

When it’s at its best, the seduction community teaches men how to communicate with women in such a manner as to bypass all the blocks and shields that many women create out of habit. The end result is that a genuine connection of intimacy can be shared and enjoyed. If our social conditioning didn’t obstruct us from connecting with each other, there would be no need for a seduction community with such a massive number of resources being created. Some guys are paying thousands of dollars for this info.

The more I can deepen my relationships with women, the more I can deepen my connections with men too. Some of the most authentic man-to-man communication occurs when men are discussing women and relationships. As I improve my ability to connect with women, I simultaneously improve my ability to connect with men. One of the best things one guy can do for another guy is to help him become better at connecting with women (assuming we’re talking about straight men of course).

So even though my sexual attraction to women is different than with men, to me this isn’t an either-or pursuit. I can’t grow closer to men without also growing closer to women, and vice versa. These different sexual polarities may involve different connection strategies, but they’re completely compatible. This aligns beautifully with the principle of Oneness.

I’ve seen this play out over many years in my relationship with Erin. The better I get at connecting with Erin, the better I am at connecting with other men too.

Want to improve your relationships with men? Work on connecting more deeply with women. Want to improve your relationships with women? Work on connecting more deeply with men. The two pursuits are inseparable.

Reaction from others

Obviously polyamory is a subject that can polarize people, but causing controversy isn’t my goal here. I’m living my life in the way I feel is best, and I’m honestly sharing my growth experiences along the way. I know many people are helped by this sharing process. A few lives have even been saved by it — no joke.

Overall, I’m impressed that most of the feedback — about 80% I’d say — is very positive, encouraging, and supportive. A lot of people are very, very curious about this and want to know more. Many have already walked this path or are walking it now, so I’m receiving many new leads to follow, including articles and books to read and people to connect with.

If you’re supportive of this journey I’m taking, thank you so much. I really do appreciate it.

If you happen to have a strong personal objection to what I’m doing, I understand that. I won’t hold it against you if you genuinely feel that way. But please try to understand that I can’t join you at that level of thinking, and I have no interest in debating polyamory with you if you’re personally opposed to it.

These are challenging issues to be sure. It’s tough having someone question the way you’re living your life, nudging you to consider alternatives, even if it’s done indirectly. That can feel very uncomfortable. I know because I’ve been on the receiving end many, many times. The worst thing anyone can possibly do to you is to raise your awareness of something you don’t feel ready to face.

My personal choices don’t invalidate the path you’ve been following thus far. You’re perfectly fine as you are right now. You don’t have to change your whole life around if you don’t want to.

If you really can’t handle what I’m doing though, then please don’t willingly expose yourself to it. Following what I’m doing is totally optional, so if you continue to read what I share on this topic, I must assume that on some level, you have a personal interest in learning about polyamory, whether or not you’re willing to acknowledge it. I’m not going to try to trick you, so if you wish to avoid being exposed to such content, it should be easy enough to avoid it based on the article titles. While polyamory will obviously be a major focus of mine for some time to come, I intend to share info on other topics as well, just as I did last year.

Regardless of any personal objections you may have, please understand that I’m quite comfortable with my decision, and I intend to move forward with it.

Immersion

As you can probably assume if you’ve been following my blog for a while, when I set a new direction, I really like to dive into it without delay.

At this point I’m investing a lot of time and energy in educating myself about polyamory, much as I did when I was learning how to adopt a raw diet. I’m in the same “explosion of resources” phase I was in about a year ago. It feels a bit overwhelming because there’s so much to learn, but it’s also exciting because this is the phase where I can soak up new ideas very rapidly.

One thing I’ll certainly do is to reach out and connect with others who are living polyamorously. I want to learn from people who are much further along than me at cultivating multiple intimate relationships.

If I continue to maintain a social network where virtually all of my friends are monogamous, I’ll very likely fail because I’ll have no social support.

A key lesson I learned in my efforts to switch to an all-raw diet is that if you have knowledge (Truth) plus willpower and self-discipline (Power) but you’re missing the social support (Love), you will almost certainly fail to achieve a challenging goal. Your existing social network will just pull you right back to where you were. Long-term success requires the construction of a whole new social network. It doesn’t have to replace your old network — it just has to be created.

In order to succeed on this path, I’ll need to cultivate new connections with people who are happily polyamorous. I have to learn from those who’ve done it. Fortunately, there are quite a lot of them.

Many people from this community have already reached out to connect with me over the past few years, usually because they were interested in my work. Seems only fair that I return the favor now.

I know this was quite a long article, so congrats if you made it this far. I hope you found it worth reading.

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The drive to Buenavista took place against the backdrop of the setting sun and wind-blown dust that blurred the horizon. Zig-zagging through a series of small villages, most of which probably held their lot of Mexicans migrating North, what looked like a huge boat mast appeared in the distance. This must be “El Barco.”

We had just previously phoned Antonio Rivera to say we were coming for a visit. Antonio is a worker we had met a few years before in St-Rémi, a small farming town just outside of Montreal. He has been working in the fields of Canada for a good decade and is always very outspoken and critical. When he is not working in Canada, Antonio is a farm worker in his home village. We went to visit him in Buenavista to find out more about what was pushing him North every season.

Antonio had let us know he would be waiting in the bakery. There was only one in the town. Surprised to see us arrive in his remote village, he gave us a warm welcome and was eager to show us around. He led us to the massive boat-shaped church and gave us a personal tour of it. The church was still under construction thirty years after the local priest initiated the project. For a small village of a few hundred people, this was an imposing structure to which almost everyone in the village had contributed their energy. Antonio showed us the interior of the church, which displayed a hybrid of Roman Catholic and Aztec symbols.

Through the vast windows at the stern of the Barco, Antonio pointed to three tee-pee shaped structures. Intrigued, we asked him why they were there. With a sigh, he explained that they had originally been built to store corn, but as cheap GMO corn imported from the U.S. had flooded Mexican markets, the storehouses have and would remain empty. Along with The North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) came the corn that destroyed Mexico’s traditional crop. Paying workers to harvest the corn would now cost more than the crop was worth. In an attempt to adapt to the changing market, Antonio had replaced his cornfields with hay, but he has only kept losing money. He does not know anymore what to do with his three-acre field.

Leaving the church and walking in the direction of Antonio’s house, he told us story after story of other Mexican workers he had known in Canada, ten of whom also came from Buenavista. Among his stories were such dismal themes as suicide, incapacitating accidents without compensation, and unfair treatment of bosses. All of these stories, he had heard firsthand. The year before, he had spent the harvest season on a rough farm in Alberta, where he and five other co-workers, unwilling to accept their harsh living and working conditions, collectively resigned. Luckily, Antonio was able to change farms, and is now satisfied with the farm where he works in B.C. For Antonio, the experience of working in Canada has been bittersweet. He takes the bad with the good.

After hours of listening to Antonio’s stories, we left Buenavista in search of a place to spend the night. The next day we would visit Antonio’s cousin and other villages in the area.

Post written by Leo Babauta. Follow me on Twitter.

At the end of 2006, I thought I’d just had the best year of my life — I quit smoking, took up running, completed my first marathon, became an early riser, became organized and productive, started eliminating my debt and getting my finances in order, became a vegetarian, my youngest daughter Noelle was born, among other things. Not bad, for one year!

At the end of 2007, I knew I’d just had the best year of my life: I’d created Zen Habits and made it a Top 100 blog in its first year, I’d sold a best-selling ebook, I landed a book deal, I was able to eliminate my debt completely, and quit my day job. I couldn’t top that!

Well, I just did.

Now that 2008 is over, I think I’ve just had the best year of my life, once again. Zen Habits has steadily grown in readership, from 26,000 at the end of 2007 to about 80,000 today. I’ve had a wonderful year with all of you, the most supportive, encouraging, generous, and yes, stunningly attractive readers in the world.

Add to that: I wrote my book, The Power of Less, and it came out at the end of the year (if you haven’t bought it, please do so now!). I was able to spend the entire year doing something I love, which is writing for you guys.

Update: Omg, I can’t believe I forgot … I also had my church wedding in 2008, and an awesome honeymoon in Thailand!!! And I went to Honolulu, which I also loved, and I ran two marathons and did a triathlon! How could I forget all that?!

So as you can see, my 2008 was my best year ever largely thanks to ALL OF YOU. So THANK YOU, my friends! You are the best readers a writer could ever have, and I am deeply grateful for you, each and every day.

And so, to celebrate a new year and the end of a great year, here’s the unavoidable, inevitable, best of the year list. I’ll start with the Top 25 most popular posts of 2008, according to my trusty Google Analytics:

1. 20 Things I Wish I Had Known When Starting Out in Life
2. Minimalist Fitness: How to Get In Lean Shape With Little or No Equipment
3. 30 Things to Do to Keep From Getting Bored Out of Your Skull at Work
4. 5 Amazing Mac Apps for Getting Things Done
5. The Four Laws of Simplicity, and How to Apply Them to Life
6. The Lazy Man’s Guide to Getting Things Done
7. 21 Easy Hacks to Simplify Your Life
8. The Minimalist’s Guide to Simple Housework
9. 20 Money Hacks: Tips and Tricks to Improve Your Finances
10. 17 Fitness Truths To Get You In Great Shape
11. 18 Five-Minute Decluttering Tips to Start Conquering Your Mess
12. Top 5 Most Inspirational Videos on YouTube
13. How to Go From Sedentary to Running in Five Steps
14. How I Paid Off $35,000 in Debt, and How You Can Too
15. The Seven Deadly Sins of a Relationship
16. A 12-Step Program to Eating Healthier Than Ever Before
17. 12 New Rules of Working You Should Embrace Today
18. The Ultimate Guide to Motivation - How to Achieve Any Goal
19. 7 Little Habits That Can Change Your Life, and How to Form Them
20. 7 Powerful Steps to Overcoming Resistance and Actually Getting Stuff Done
21. 20 Amazing and Essential Non-fiction Books to Enrich Your Library
22. 25 Ways to Simplify Your Life with Kids
23. Open Source Blogging: Feel Free to Steal My Content
24. The Minimalist’s Guide to Fighting (and Beating) Clutter Entropy
25. 12 Practical Steps for Learning to Go With the Flow

In addition to these 25 most popular articles, I’ve chosen a few others that I really liked. If I wanted, I could easily choose a dozen more, but anyway, here goes:

1. 50 Amazing and Essential Novels to Enrich Your Library
2. 25 Ways to Help a Fellow Human Being Today
3. A Simple Guide to Being Present for the Overworked and Overwhelmed
4. Productivity 2.0: How the New Rules of Work Are Changing the Game
5. My Four Commandments
6. The Six Greatest Gifts You Can Give Your Loved Ones
7. The Essential Time-Saving Guide for Busy People
8. Living Simply: The Ultimate Guide to Conquering Your Clutter

If you want to go back further, read Best of Zen Habits 2007. If that’s not enough, try the Beginner’s Guide to Zen Habits.

—

Elsewhere: Read an interview with me on Wisebread talking about The Power of Less for personal finances.

A fascinating article that in my mind explains why some days are more intense than others…
http://www.space.com/scienceastronomy/081103-mm-magnetic-portals.html

Like giant, cosmic chutes between the Earth and sun, magnetic portals open up every eight minutes or so to connect our planet with its host star.

Once the portals open, loads of high-energy particles can travel the 93 million miles (150 million km) through the conduit during its brief opening, space scientists say.

Called a flux transfer event, or FTE, such cosmic connections not only exist but are possibly twice as common as anyone ever imagined, according to space scientists who attended the 2008 Plasma Workshop in Huntsville, Ala., last week.

“Ten years ago I was pretty sure they didn’t exist, but now the evidence is incontrovertible,” said David Sibeck, an astrophysicist at the Goddard Space Flight Center in Maryland.

As a follow-up to yesterday’s post about leaving monogamy behind in order to pursue polyamory, here are answers to some questions I’ve been asked. The last question is answered by Erin.

What effect will polyamory have on your marriage with Erin?

Since I’ve never done anything like this before, it’s hard to say. Surely it will create some new challenges to be dealt with.

Is it possible that this will lead to a break-up of our marriage? That’s a risk that can’t be denied. Maybe Erin will find it hurtful to see me in other relationships. If the reality of that becomes too much for her, then getting divorced is always an option, and we can go our separate ways.

The current reality is that I don’t want a divorce; nor does Erin. So it seems that going the polyamorous route is the best choice. Worst case, our marriage is unable to handle it, and we end up divorced, but that would have been the likely result anyway if polyamory wasn’t an option.

I can accept a separation and divorce if it happens. That’s a path I’d prefer not to take, but I’m willing to do it if it truly seems like the right choice or if Erin decides that’s what she wants. At this point though, a divorce isn’t something either of us want, so why worry about it?

I think the most likely outcome is that this experience will bring Erin and me closer together. Time will tell.

Would you want your kids to see you living a polyamorous lifestyle? How would you feel if one of them did the same thing? What kind of example would you be setting?

I don’t see any reason to hide it from them. I’d explain it to them to the degree I felt they could understand it. My daughter (age eight) would probably find it interesting, but I doubt it would bother her. My son (age five) probably wouldn’t care as long as I can still play Halo 3 with him.

I want to teach my kids to live consciously and make their own choices. So if one of them make some non-mainstream lifestyle choices like polyamory, I’d be happy for them if it was what they wanted. I don’t need my kids to turn out a certain way. Their path of growth will be different than mine, but I would love them no matter what.

I don’t think that being a good father is about teaching your kids how to be like everyone else. I think it has to do with teaching your kids to love and value their own uniqueness.

Note that our family lives in Las Vegas, not the Bible Belt. Lots of children here are being raised in non-nuclear families. Our kids have had many play dates with other children whose parents are divorced. In fact, I’d say that’s more common than nuclear family situations.

How would you feel if Erin went polyamorous? Wouldn’t you be jealous?

I can’t even fathom reacting with jealousy because jealousy is rooted in the consciousness of scarcity, and I simply don’t resonate at that level. I think of sharing love in terms of abundance, not scarcity.

If Erin wanted to make love to someone else, that would be wonderful. It would be great to see her and her partner happy. It’s a beautiful thing when people come together to share love with each other.

How could Erin’s decision to share her love with someone else possibly diminish me in any way? That kind of thinking comes from such a low-level place of neediness, I just can’t relate to it. It’s a totally alien mindset. It makes no sense if you welcome abundance into your life.

If Erin turned her attention to someone else and withdrew some of her attention from me, that wouldn’t upset me because I have limitless opportunities to invite love into my life whenever I want. How could I possibly feel lonely and disconnected on a planet of billions of people… unless I’ve intentionally chosen to cut myself off with a mindset of scarcity?

When Erin does her intuitive readings, she shares her love and connection with other people. These sessions can be very emotionally intimate. Should I feel jealous about that? Goodness no. It feels great to know that Erin is out there sharing her love and gifts with others. This doesn’t diminish me when this happens. It elevates all of us.

How would it be any different if she shared physical intimacy with other people? Why draw the line at physical intimacy but not emotional intimacy? Am I supposed to put Erin in a cage to keep her from loving other people?

The principle of Oneness says that we’re all part of the same whole. When two parts of that whole come together in love, it enhances the other parts. It doesn’t diminish them. If you’re feeling jealous, then you’re automatically out of alignment with Oneness, which means you’re headed away from positive growth.

Would you require your other relationship partners to be monogamous with you?

Of course not. That would be a double-standard. If I’m polyamorous, I’d be happy connecting with other polyamorous women as well.

If a woman wanted to be monogamous with me because it made her happy to do so, that’s fine, but this isn’t something I need.

Isn’t polyamory the same thing cheating on your marriage?

How can it be cheating if this is something Erin and I both agreed to? Obviously polyamory goes beyond the boundaries of a traditional monogamous marriage, but if we consciously redefine those boundaries ourselves, then it makes no sense to label it cheating.

Marriage is a human institution. Unconditional love is a spiritual truth. I’d rather align my relationships with the spiritual and not worry so much about the human-side labels.

Isn’t polyamory illegal?

You’re confusing polyamory (loving multiple partners) with polygamy (having multiple spouses). Polygamy may be illegal in the USA, although it’s still practiced in some areas like parts of Utah.

Polyamory is perfectly legal.

Do you think monogamous relationships are problematic in general?

I believe in conscious choice. I can see that staying monogamous is wrong for me at this time. You’re free to decide what’s best for you. I don’t think there’s one right answer for everyone.

The principle of Love says that your path of growth requires you to connect with your truest, deepest desires. You must move toward what you want. If you truly want to be in a monogamous relationship, awesome — move toward that. If you want to be polyamorous, great — move toward that instead. If you want to pursue a totally different path like celibacy, also great.

The only wrong answer is to turn your back on your heart’s desire. If you do that, you’re turning your back on Love, which will pull you out of alignment with the principles of Oneness and Courage too. In the long run, this will leave you feeling very disconnected.

I’m a committed Christian, and I can’t handle what you’ve written. I can’t watch you violate the Sacrament of Marriage. I’m unsubscribing from your blog forever. You will go to hell for your choices.

Spoken like a true Christian. Tell Jesus I said hi.

According to other Christians, I’ve been served up about a hundred other eternity-in-hell sentences, so this doesn’t really change anything.

I don’t suppose hell serves raw food, but I’m pretty sure demonesses are polyamorous.

And by the way, that wasn’t really a question.

Why do you feel the need to love other people?

Love doesn’t like to be bottled up and confined. It has a tendency to want to expand.

I could shut down my blog and only share my writing with Erin. But I enjoy being a polyamorous writer more than a monogamous one.

It makes sense to me that I should share other forms of love with more than one person as well.

If I’m not selfish with my writing, why should I be selfish with other expressions of love?

What interest, if any, do you have in the seduction (pick-up artist) community?

A few years ago I had no idea that community even existed. What happened was that people from that community began taking an interest in my blog, probably sometime in 2005 or 2006. I started getting emails from aspiring pick-up artists who liked my articles. Eventually I was drawing a lot of interest from that community and was seeing my articles discussed often on seduction-related blogs and online forums.

This made me curious, so I began looking in that community in 2008, including reading some books like The Game. I met one of the people from that book several months ago, and I’ll be meeting another guy from that book later this month.

The seduction community has what you might call a dark side and a light side. The dark side teaches techniques rooted in deception to get women into bed. It’s partly about sex and partly about control and dominance.

The light side is about helping men become more authentic, to build social courage, and to feel good about the value they have to offer women.

Most of that community is stuck somewhere in the gray area. It’s not strongly polarized either way. Consequently, people are going to get a lot of mixed results when they try to apply it.

The light side of that community fits nicely with my work because it aligns with the core principles of Truth, Love, and Power. The dark side of that community is misaligned with these principles though. For example, I’d never encourage a guy to use an opening line that was a lie (such as “Hey, did you see the fight outside?”) because that would violate the principle of Truth. Using canned material is also very fear-based.

However, for many guys the seduction community is a path of self development and can produce many positive effects. What people get out of it has a lot to do with their polarity leanings. Are they trying to get something (sex, validation, attention) from other people? Or are they looking to reach out, connect, and share love?

I see many ways that I could expand on the material in the PUA community by helping to clarify a love-polarized model of connecting with people, enjoying relationships, and sharing physical intimacy. I’ll likely write something on this subject this year.

In terms of using PUA techniques in my own life though, most would be of limited use to me in terms of going polyamorous. Many of the techniques have to do with building self-esteem and feeling good about your value, which haven’t been issues for me personally. My challenges will likely be different than what most people in that community have to deal with, mainly due to my lifestyle. Perhaps my greatest relationship challenge would be to find a woman who’s compatible with me in terms of her values. For example, if I saw a woman eat a piece of animal flesh, it would gross me out, and I’d probably consider her unkissable.

A number of people I’ve connected with in the seduction community seem very conscious and growth-oriented, so I’m definitely open to meeting more of them. I prefer face-to-face meetings when possible — I do enough online communicating as it is. I’m meeting a few people from that community in Vegas later this month. I enjoy discussing social dynamics.

How does Erin REALLY feel about this?

Erin will answer that in her own words:

I know people are wondering how I feel about Steve’s desire to change our monogamous relationship into one that is polyamorous. I want to share with everyone how I feel about the situation and to answer some of the asked and unasked questions I’m sure are rolling around in people’s minds.

Steve and I have been in a committed monogamous relationship for nearly 15 years. We’re best friends, lovers, and partners with similar goals in life. We want to teach people to live consciously, to be loving, and to remember where they came from and who they really are. Part of that process includes bringing awareness to how we are socially conditioned to think, believe, and behave. It hasn’t always been easy living with someone who constantly wants to test his own boundaries, someone whose desire for personal growth supersedes all, and someone who does not care what others think about him.

The first time Steve challenged me was when he told me he wanted to go from being vegetarian to vegan and raise our future children that way. I felt threatened, I felt scared, and a part of me was angry about him wanting to change what was already so good. We nearly broke up over it. But one day I realized that I was rejecting something I hadn’t even tried, because of fear. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this life time, it’s to never make decisions based on fear. So I told him I would give it a try for 30 days. Long story short, I went vegan quite happily, and we’re raising our children vegan today, without the fear that threatened me so long ago. I shudder when I think of what I could have denied myself just because I was afraid of change, afraid to test my boundaries, afraid to explore something new.

Many times over the years Steve continued to challenge himself and his personal growth. Going raw, trying polyphasic sleep, writing about very controversial topics, etc. Whenever I would balk or express concern he would remind me that I knew what I was getting into when I married him. Indeed, I did. Many times over the last 15 years I’ve had to ask myself this question, “Do you regret choosing this life with Steve?” The answer is no. I have no regrets. I chose to be with a powerful man on purpose. I chose someone like Steve because the path I’ve chosen for myself requires great courage, love, truth, and compassion. Courage was something I did not have when Steve first met me, but it is something I’ve been able to learn through him.

So now we come to love and intimacy. When I first met Steve he admitted to me that he didn’t know how to love. His upbringing simply didn’t include it. But mine did. I grew up in a very loving home, with parents who obviously loved each other. I was a very loving person. So when Steve told me he didn’t know how to love, I simply replied, “Then I’ll teach you.” And I did. Today Steve knows how to open his heart honestly and with great depth. So he taught me courage, and I taught him how to love.

Although Steve shares himself openly through his blog, he does not engage in intimate relationships with other people besides me. I’ve always thought this was a shame. I don’t want to keep him to myself. I want him to enjoy the connection and closeness that he has with me with other people too. I already have many intimate relationships with other people, though these relationships are not physically intimate. I’ve never felt a desire to have intimate physical relations with other people, but I have definitely cultivated intense and intimate relationships with men and women in ways that do not include sex. It’s very easy for me to connect deeply with other people. Steve has never tried to stop me or interfere with me having these relationships. They are friendships, but they are intense and deep relationships too.

Steve’s primary love strategy is physical affection. I know that intimacy for him is not complete unless there is physical touch involved. So I know that were Steve to develop intimate relationships with other people that it would be a natural expression for him to involve touch or even sex with other partners. I do not feel diminished by the idea of him sharing himself with another human being. Our love is secure and complete. Polyamory is an extension of our relationship, not a replacement for it.

Steve is not looking for one night stands or casual sex. He’s seeking greater intimacy with other human beings. Anyone that he brings into the relationship will be relating to me as well. He’s not going to hide what he’s doing and who he’s doing it with. The person or people he brings into the relationship will have to be mature, conscious, and understand exactly what they are getting into. I’m not opposed to exploring sex with other people should the situation arise. There’s a lot of unexplored sexuality in me as well, including the possibility of having sex with other women.

Is there some fear? Yes, there is some fear. My ego is having a field day with this one. “What if he finds someone he likes more than you?” “What if he stops spending time with you and the kids?” “What if someone comes along who takes him away from you forever?” Knowing it’s my ego talking to me, I can say back to it, “I know you’re trying to protect me from a future pain that